Being Me..

2011-12-21T22:31:00.005-05:00

Wow, way overdue on updating this blog...a blog that is probably read by no one but quite honestly, I don't care. I'm not even sure why I choose to write in such a public way when for years I wrote only for me. Pages upon pages of writing that when I look back on now, realize how much personal change has taken place.

Anyway, life is good. Real good. Because I am not working and have been spending some time volunteering for the eldery, J and I spend a lot of time together and it continues to be nothing short of healthy and amazing. We laugh a lot. We talk a lot.

We've been walking a great, 5-mile route together and it is one of the highlights of our time together. October and November were busy...we went to J's Mom's place in NY for Columbus Day weekend and had a great time. Another weekend we went to a Sinatra Night at the Winchester Country Club and recently we went to the new Capitol Grille in Boston and then to the Symphony!! Oh! Symphony Hall was awesome! We went with 3 other couples and had a truly amazing night. We laughed over an incredible dinner and then all silently enjoyed and relaxed (that's putting it mildly) throughout the symphony performance. I loved it and we vow to go back.

November brought Thanksgiving and after being on a 10-year hiatus away from cooking for Thanksgiving, we had it here. J's Mom and sister came along with my Mom and Dad and a couple from the country club. If I do say so myself, everything came out un-friggin'-believable! Everything tasted sooo good. It was truly a nice mix of people and the process of cooking all week in preparation for it was something I enjoyed immensely. It was a Golden Day...

We were to leave this past Saturday for Key West for atleast 6 weeks but that changed some. J left on Monday morning for 4 days to check on the properties, etc. and hopefully in the next couple of weeks we'll being going down for a good chunk of the Winter. We had a couple of things come up that told us we'd better stay put here for a few weeks until things get sorted out. Meanwhile, I have been a sewing maniac spending the past 3 days in the sewing room...I am so bad about not posting any pictures but I made 3 tops and am very pleased with them. These days I'm cutting the patterns a little *smaller* since I've dropped 10 pounds in the last few months which is sooo nice and it inspires me to continue (sewing and walking). We walked on Crane's Beach last week and again on Plum Island on Sunay (all bundled up) and can't tell you how awesome it was. We both love the beach and of course, little G loved it, too!

Lastly, and this is so insignificant, I have decided to grow my hair OUT! My goal is for a long bob such as this! (courtesy of Kate @ thesmallthingsblog.com) This is the hairstyle I want and am determined to get. I need a change!

That's all for now...I need to do a photo dump on my phone and post some pictures :)

Lazy Afternoon

2011-09-05T12:45:00.002-04:00

Cannot believe it has been over 4 months since I posted last..time continues to evaporate at too rapid a pace...

My world has undergone some amazing changes these last 4 months. My relationship with J has continued to grow in ways that have me feeling an emotional security I've not felt before. After many months of discussion, we decided it was time to move in together. I put my condo up for rent and found the most perfect tenant! Listing it on Craigslist proved, afterall, to pull thru. She's a single mother with a 10-year old and I am very happy to have them there. The move was for all intents and purposes, seamless. We started moving things with each trip to J's and soon all that was really left were the big things. We've been living together for 3 weeks and it has been nothing short of peaceful and wonderful. It has been a huge change in that I've quit my job and moved and have now have a lifestyle that is so drastically different from anything I've ever known. Living with a man I love and who loves me. Not working with no immediate plans to do so. Waking up everyday in this beautiful home. Meeting all J's friends and truly liking each and every one of them. I feel like I've won the lottery of a peaceful life. It's simple. I'm enjoying keeping the house, cooking again and spending time with Giorgi. He loves it, too, and amazingly his housebreak accidents have been non-existent.

I am indeed a very happy woman these days...and I will add more later.

Change

2011-04-25T12:17:00.002-04:00

The winds of change are on the horizon... I am amazed by the love and peacefulness that has come into my life and fills me with optimism for the future. Never could I have imagined this happening!
Will write more later...

Whoa....

2011-01-23T00:10:00.003-05:00

This post is all man... whoa, it's all man... things with JB are OFF THE HOOK! I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that we've known each other since the first year of high school or that there was an attraction in those years after high school but God help me...the distinctive element in this..."relationship" is that we talk..for hours on end...and about everything. The conversation is almost non-stop. We went to dinner for my birthday on Thursday and the night started at 6pm yet, we were still talking at 2:19 in the morning about such random things as our classmate, Danny Jones, who was killed in a motorcycle accident after the fist day of Freshman year of high school... and I had to get up in 3 hours to be to work at 7am and quite frankly, I didn't care. Being that it was my birthday, we talked mostly about the fact that the big "50" is ever looming and what that feels like for each of us...and in this time of looking at the next 25 years, which will go all too fucking fast, what we want those years to be about.....

I'll write more later because there's more but it's late and my thoughts are not my own....

2010 Year in Review

2010-12-31T22:16:00.003-05:00

This is apt to be long in the tooth...for as troubled and stressful as this year began, it became a year I will not forget because it ended up being an amazing year.
This time last year I was working toward getting CR out of my place. As much as I still had mixed emotions for him, I knew without a doubt, that if I was going to preserve what little sanity I felt I had left, he had to go. He wasn't gone two days when suddenly my whole world opened up and I once again felt alive. It is strange the way the Universe works. Once I ripped the perverbial bandaid off, the healing began. Meeting "J" so soon after CR was gone was just the fun, exciting and no-pressure relationship I needed..and wanted. Throughout the Spring I continued to re-connect with my neighbor/friends and we had a lot of fun...the fun we all used to have. The fun I never should have allowed to be compromised. I joined FB and then my world really began to open up...connecting with people I never could have imagined and thru those people, I met others.

Sadly, March brought Jimmy's death....in his death, I reconnected with old friends in such a deep and meaningful way...Jimmy was so handsome and I am still so saddened by his premature passing. The Summer came and it involved more parties, laughter and memories than ever...and, most importantly, the weather this Summer was absolutely phenomenal!! It was a "real" summer. Through out this time, I had several interactions with CR...it is pointless to talk about what each of those interactions resulted in because the answer is nothing. In July after a grueling root canal, Giorgi came into my life in such an unexpected way. I love my little guy more than I could have imagined and it is a different love than I had for Buddy. Like "J", he came into my life at precisely the moment I needed it. In August a crew of us went ziplining and it was positively amazing. A group of long-time friends challenging ourselves and in the process growing closer.

The Fall brought more parties...where these parties materialized from is still beyond me..it seems they came out of the woodwork. Last month was the much anticipated class reunion. It did not fail to deliver. The outfit I bought was outrageously expensive and quite honestly, I didn't care. Everything that day was seamlessly smooth..Giorgi off to my parents for the night, I "came out" great..hair behaved, skin smooth, nails all one length, etc. Checked into the Marriott in Burlington to discover several "warm up" parties going on and it was as everything else this year has been...magical..in a way I could not have imagined. Connection. Emotion. Bonding. The reunion itself was so surreal. Many people who I'd gone to elementary school with were there...we had a strong showing from the Dallin School and have formed a committee or sorts to organize a Dallin School reunion after the first of the year. Previous to the reunion, I thought alot about Paul...about the fact that this was the first reunion I would not see him at... What I had not expected was to run into "JB"...he was a guy that I always felt that certain "ping" for...ping being that feeling that hits you and says, "How you doin'?" Back in high school there was something about him that always intruiged me but yet it wasn't enough for me to break up with Jimmy for, or even pursue for that matter. Five years after high school, my friend "RB" started dating him and I had more exposure to him and liked him. But he was "RB's" boyfriend, so he was off-limits. After they broke up he called me one night and I didn't feel it was right to be doggin' my girlfriend's old boyfriend so I pushed him off. I wondered about him in an inquisitive sort of way but wasn't going to compromise my friendsship with her.
Anyway, we spot each other and it was an immediate connection. Both single, no committments or kids. He is amazingly successful. Devotes a lot of his time to various philanthropies, is a self-admitted workaholic spending a good portion of the winter in Key West. Since the reunion it has been non-stop...getting together as the time and space allows, texting, phone calls, etc...and talking...conversation that is open, free, funny and realistic. We've both agreed you arrive at a certain age and you just lay it all on the table.. this is who I am, I want no bullshit games, life is getting shorter every Goddamn day so if you think you can't deal with who I am then let's just cut it now and if you can, then let's look forward to tomorrow. Needless to say, it's been 5 weeks and we're still laughing and finding that out....

The only thing that would be sad in deciding to be a couple with "JB" (thinking down the road)would be giving up "J", the young guy and also "D" who've I not mentioned much and don't see all that often but he is a such a "salt of the earth" man's man who makes me laugh and whom I feel a certain undeniable comfort with. They both taught me things about myself and about men in general. They also both sustained me
in ways I could not have imagined.

In closing, this year was an amazing one that I will be eternally grateful for. I learned so much this year...I said yes to everything that came my way...learned valuable lessons about life, people and love. Realized there are mistakes that I will never again make and there are certain chances you just have to take...
"Just because it's not what you were expecting, doesn't mean it's not everything you've been waiting for" I'd say that sums up 2010 pretty well...
Goodbye 2010.........

2010-11-08T21:51:00.005-05:00

Today I can sense this winter isn't going to be easy on me.
Today I feel that by Spring, I'm going to be ready to move on to somewhere else.
Today I don't understand how a young guy, who isn't in love with me, can be so honest and so real with me...but a guy who is older than him couldn't be.

The young guy (I feel badly referring to him that way, but in the interest of anonimity, I must)just left and I am struck by his honesty, his willingness to share the parts of his life that don't include me...when someone texts him while we're together he has the decency to show me who's texting him. If someone calls, he tells me who it is and tells the caller he's with me. I'm awed by this. I feel respected in a way I can't explain. It's a courtesy. It's politeness. It's kindness. It's something that leaves me feeling included in a part of his world I am not included in. Basically, it IS respect.

Today I feel lucky that this guy came into my life at a time when I needed serious distraction from insanity. I wish he were older. But he isn't. I think the Universe sent him to me so that I could realize that not all men, even young ones, behave immaturely, selfishly and disrespectfully. He was just what I needed and even though it'll never been anything more than it is, or has been, I am grateful for what it has shown me....................

My baby...

2010-10-30T23:13:00.005-04:00

Just a short post in appreciation of the two four-legged males who have been and are in my life. I appreciate the human men in my life these days but there is something about these two little guys (well, one big) who brought and continue to bring an immeasurable joy and happiness to my life. Buddy was with me thru a lot and his loyalty to me was unwavering, he knew how to stay near me on down days and we shared some very happy times. We were happy many days...just he and I. I will always look back on those days with a heavy spot on my heart. I miss him and the companionship he gave me. These days with my new little love, Giorgi, it is a totally different relationship. He lets me love on him in ways Buddy didn't. It's interesting in over the course of the few months I've had him that our "communication" has evolved. At this point, I can read him more so than he can read me but it's changing..becoming deeper and more connected...I can feel it. I can tell by the look in his eye.

Everything is going very well these days...November is set to be a very busy month.
Busy in a good way. A few parties, meeting up with old friends and of course, the long awaited class reunion. Last weekend was one of legendary proportions. Date on Friday night, date on Saturday night...how I was able to finagle that is beyond me..you know, the logistics of keeping two worlds separate effortlessly. Sunday was ummm, interesting...let's just say it started out with watching football around 3 and ended somewhere around midnight with this chick needing to be up at 5 a.m....yeah, I think the Prednisone I was put on last week gave me the kick I needed to accomplish that, because I had no right feeling as good as I did. But an interesting interaction to say the least...sometimes you never know what people are thinking...there were many laughs and many interesting moments..

Off to bed with my little man, Giorgi...the thoughts of which warm me up inside..he's so funny..he's on bed behind me, letting out little low growls in protest of the fact that I have my back to him and that he's ready to snuggle and Mamma is still typing...God, I love that little creature! Night all...